Last year, I saw my boyfriend pack up and leave to a different state to 'make his career happen', 500 miles from where I lived. I was very happy for him. It would be great for our future together and what was the big deal after all? We were in the same country. We could always take the train and visit each other all the time. There was nothing to worry after all. We would video chat all night long.
However, within a couple of weeks, reality struck me. He was so tired from work that he hardly had any time for me, or atleast I thought so back then. I was so distressed and lost. I had built a life around him. My day began with him and ended with him. I tried to make plans with him. But he was in the initial stages of his career where he needed to put in a lot of effort and get noticed among a hundred other people. So the best he could do was meet up once every couple of months, when he came back home for a few days. And I would be so full of happiness and joy. Four days would pass by like four seconds and things would be back to as they were before. And I would then start waiting for our next time together. It was not like he never called me up. Infact he found time to call me almost every day, unless he was too busy. Sometimes the call would be as short as a five minutes and sometimes when he had more time to spare, it would last an hour or more. But most of the time we were fighting over the phone. He was getting sick of me nagging him every day. He already had enough in his hands and to have to take crap from me every night was just pushing the limits.
It was particularly hard for me because all my friends were getting engaged or married and everywhere I looked , I saw happy couples. I was stress eating and all together I was a complete mess. It was then that I decided that I had to put an end to this. I was tired of feeling sorry for myself. I had turned into that desperate needy girlfriend and things had to change. So I sat down and began to reflect on my actions and needless to say it helped me a lot. Though I miss my boyfriend now, I am a very happy and independant person. Here are a few things I realised I had done wrong.
Mistake #1: Don't compare yourself to other couples. Nothing can sabotage your relationship more. Things may not always be as they appear from outside. That happy couple that you are comparing yourself to might be too bored of spending too much time with each other. Remember, you always have something that they never get to have. That deep passion for each other. That wonderful moment when you finally meet. And the best part? You never get tired of each other and learn to cherish and value your times together.
Mistake #2: Don't call him day and night when you know that he is busy at work or taking a nap. Find out his schedule for the day. Call him up when you know that he is free. Or even better, ask him to call you.
Mistake #3: Don't let your relationship define you. Otherwise, his absence will leave a deep void in your life. Remember that you don't own him. Don't be that girl who stands in the way of him and his dreams. Accept that what he's doing is valuable and important to him, and that he isn't trying to make you unhappy: You're valuable and important to him too, even if it might not feel like it to you. When you miss him dearly, make him a card, put down your thoughts in it and send it to him. This way you don't have to wait to convey your thoughts and you can explore your creative side.
Mistake #4: Don't let negativities get to you. Look at the positive side. You get all the free time you want. You can join a cookin class or anything that you have wanted to do. You have control over the TV remote. You can read all the books you want. Chat online with friends late in the night. Go visit your family on weekends. Next time he calls you, you will have so much to tell him about, instead of just nagging him. Even when you are reading this, it can seem like a lot of work. All you have to do is get out of your house. Maybe get a new haircut. Go to some place that you have always wanted to go to- a restaurant, mall, meuseum ,whatever suits you best. If you are a shopoholic like me, treat yourself to something nice.
Mistake #5: Give priority to quantity not quality. Instead of trying to squeeze out as much time as possible out of him, try to plan some quality time together where you are not constantly interrupted by some client or project manager.
Mistake #6: Don't wait for him to come visit you. You may have more free time than him. So, why not do the travelling once in a while. Show up at his door step on the weekend when know that he isn't very busy. Surprise him. This way you can spend more quality time together.
Mistake #7: Donot be under the impression that he loves his work more than he loves you. One thing that you have to understand is that there is no competition between you and his work, in the first place. Try to understand that you occupy a different place in his life: that he loves you, and that his work satisfies another need of his, completely separate from what you do for him.
Think about these before you decide that you are done with your relationship. If it went on for years and years, he never made any real time for you or considered your needs, I'd think differently. But if it is just a temporary issue, deal with it. Remember how much you love each other. He will definitely appreciate how patient and understanding you have been. So, don't think about this stuff too hard. Call your friends and see if they're free to hang out. Go for a walk in the park. Don't wait until the perfect moment, just do something. I would bet that from your partner's point of view, his working long hours has nothing to do with "I don't want to see my girlfriend" .
